Costly Obedience is a Two-Way Street

lonely man

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Hey Church, let’s sit down for a few minutes and talk about costly obedience. It’s a concept that brings up a lot of emotions for me. I’ve been told my whole life that death is a major theme in Christianity. Coming to Jesus means putting all kinds of vices to death that interfere with our ability to relate to God. For many sexual minorities of faith, the message we’ve received from you tells us our sexuality is disgusting and displeasing to a holy God. We’ve been told to change it, suppress it, and kill it. And for many without any form of support, that death becomes literal. Costly indeed.


Now, I’m not denying there’s selfishness and objectification in the LGBTQ+ community that could use sanctification and redemption, but there’s sacrificial love too. There’s a community who supports each other and cares deeply for marginalized people. I’ve learned a lot about love from these people, far beyond what goes on in people’s bedrooms.


And speaking of what happens in the bedroom, that’s about all I heard from you in your pews as you discussed the LGBTQ+ community. Hook-up culture seemed to eclipse all other facets to sexual minority experience, and yet even within a hook-up you seemed oblivious to other motives that could be driving acting out behavior other than just sexual pleasure.


What if hooking up is more than steamy sex with a dude from the gay club or Grindr? What if it’s less about lust and more about loneliness? What if it’s less about craving an orgasm and more about a need to receive physical affection? What if a gay guy just wants to feel seen by another human being for a night?


In your call for costly obedience, what are you willing to lay down to make your vision of sexual ethics livable for sexual minorities? When I wrote about celibacy, people often told me how I brave I was for making this sacrifice for my faith. They expressed empathy for how hard this must be for me, but these individuals had the privilege to return to their families at night. They had the luxury to fit me in their schedules every couple of weeks when they could make time. I felt like I was living out some kind of tragic life story for other people to pity, and it wasn’t life-giving or redemptive. I certainly didn’t feel enthusiasm for calling other sexual minorities to live like me.


My perspective shifted as I moved out of state for grad school and had the opportunity to meet other sexual minorities like me. I found a lot that could be redeemed in same-sex relationships and even hook-ups. I found people hungry to connect, some going from guy to guy, perhaps unable to accept the goodness of their capacity to love and be loved by another man. Others showed commitment, kindness, sacrifice, humility, and so many other great qualities through their romantic relationships and in how they interacted with others. I saw people connecting and working towards a flourishing community.


So Church, how do you propose to compete with spouse and family we could have? Or even the casual lover who puts his life on hold to focus his attention to another for one night? It feels like you leave us to fend for ourselves while you have the opportunity to thrive in your families and in your churches that promote and nurture you. Where do you expect us to fit within your system?


From where I’m standing in the arena of my life, I see a bunch of Christians in the stands telling me how to live my life. If I make the wrong choice, then I’m a Christian who has fallen from grace. If I make the right one, you’ll put me on a pedestal as the answer to the gay problem. But that pedestal can be a lonely place to live, cut off from the LGBTQ+ folks like me while you fit me in your lives where you can.


People having been sending me messages the past several years asking me how to make celibacy work and how I deal with loneliness. I’ve never felt like I answered that question adequately, because I was still figuring it out for myself. It wasn’t until I read the research and heard a psychologist explain loneliness like thirst or hunger—good biological drives directing us to homeostasis. Loneliness may be a biological mechanism pointing us to our daily need to connect and look outside of ourselves. Just as we cannot thrive off one meal a week, so we cannot thrive off superficial conversations after a Sunday morning service. We are social beings who need each other to reflect God through our love. And research has suggested that lonely people are at greater risk of death than possessing physiological risk factors.


I’m not here to sway you one way or another on same-sex relationships, but I am asking a simple question. What are you willing to sacrifice to make the lives of LGBTQ+ people emotionally and spiritually richer? Sexual minorities can’t thrive off the crumbs of love you have left for occasional catch-ups over coffee. We need to be integrated into families where we can love people deeply and experience love from others. We shouldn’t feel as if our lives are burdens or tragedies, but just as meaningful and worthy and beloved as yours. As fellow image-bearers of God, we deserve a place at the table.


This is a two-way street, you see. You can’t ask everything from us and expect us to be all right on our own. I don’t have answers to all the moral questions about same-sex sexuality, but I do believe our love is a gift. We have so much to give if you could see all that we are. If you made room in your soul for an LGBTQ+ person like me, I think you might be surprised how much your life could flourish.


Christianity isn’t an easy religion; I totally agree with you there. But please stop making it an impossibility for the LGBTQ+ community to encounter Christ. I believe there are ways to hold your convictions and love sexual minorities well, and you are capable of doing a better job at it, Church. So let’s work on that.

  • AnotherJosh

    Hearing straight conservative Christians offer this so-called encouragement feels demoralizing in a “beatings will continue until morale improves” sort of way. I feel still worse when they treat the lifelong celibacy they wish to impose on us exactly the same as the temporary celibacy of a straight person who just hasn’t found the right partner yet. I’m sorry, but no, that’s not remotely equivalent. Even worse yet is when they insist that we’re not allowed to feel like we’re required to be alone for life, because we can still always marry partners of the “appropriate” gender if we choose (I’ve also seen that perspective on another blog coming from a gay man in a mixed-orientation marriage, who should by all accounts know better than to be such a jerk).

    It’s a different context from the “what a heavy burden you have, I’m so sorry… [turns and walks away]” perspective, which – unlike the conservative Christians in my life – actually demonstrates a smidgen of empathy, but in both contexts, there’s plenty of work to be done to get to a point where people who do believe that they are supposed to remain celibate for life are able to experience an existence with some degree of flourishing. (Meanwhile, given that I am open to having a partner some day, I know that should that happen, I’ll be losing my church, many of my friends, and possibly my family… but I still want things to be better for the celibate folks who do feel called to stay.)

    • Seth Crocker

      Yeah. :-/ Thanks for your thoughts! There is a lot that the church needs to improve on with the LGBTQ population.

  • Buddy Abernathy

    Hello Seth. This is Buddy Abernathy. Hope you are well. I want to comment on your last paragraph in this article. First of all I want to say that I have no desire to mistreat those in the LGBT+ community. To the contrary I have experienced many pleasant conversations. Once while flying to a preaching appointment, I spent the majority of the flight talking to a woman who described herself as being in an “alternative relationship”. I asked questions as to why she lived this lifestyle and also explained my beliefs concerning the matter. We departed company with no hard feelings, even though I tried to persuade her to see things differently.

    At the conclusion of your article you wrote, “But please stop making it an impossibility for the LGBTQ + community to encounter Christ.” If the Christian religion is about following the teachings of Christ and the Bible contains what he taught, how can we be a follower of him (encounter him) if we are not following what he teaches us? How can we encounter Christ while disobeying his words?

    If Christ teaches that anything other than a one man/one woman relationship is sinful, is it not possible for all of his children to find contentment and joy in the relationship he (as our Creator) designed us for? Also, if I’m a Christian, should I not attempt to persuade those who are not following Christ to repent? By “persuading them to repent”, I simply mean to teach the word of God (in love) and call upon his children to follow it. By doing so, am I making it impossible for you to encounter Christ?

    PLEASE NOTE: All my comments are written under the assumption that you believe the Bible is God’s word and that it is the authority for what we believe. If you do not believe this, our communication will be vain in the sense that my opinion is no more valid than yours.