The wilderness resonates with me. It symbolizes uncertainty, internal wrestling, and solitude. I find myself wandering the wilderness every now and then, as God shifts my perspective and turns my world upside down. Comfort and certainty transforms into tension and reservation. I’ve found myself back there since moving to Virginia. Real life uncovers questions I’ve tried to suppress and ignore. But the more I learn and the more diversity enters my life, the more tentative I become–the less tightly I hold onto my assumptions. As I’ve interacted with LGBTQs over the past few years I’ve found less confidence in definite positions. I don’t have absolute assuredness about Side B or Side A, celibacy or same-sex relationships. I just know grace. I know I can trust God with these gray areas, because I believe he is good and he loves. Oh, yes. He loves.
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I was recently by Nico Lang about my experience as a celibate gay Christian. My thoughts revealed some of my internal tension and some of my doubts as I shared pieces of my faith that I found beautiful and inspiring. The article arrived with little notice, so I sighed a breath of relief and moved on.
But then Queerty featured a story about me that was, well…interesting. The story revealed a major misrepresentation of my faith, and the comments stung with cruelty as people hit below the belt. But as I reflected on the piece, rather than experiencing anger, I felt a desire for compassion, grace, and forgiveness. So I wrote Queerty an email they may never read, but I want to share it with you:
My name is Seth Crocker; your website recently ran a piece about me regarding my interview with Nico Lang for Mic.
I would like to humbly submit your article mischaracterizes me and my faith. I have repeatedly stated in my public writings that I have no desire to convert other gay and lesbian people to my perspective. I believe God loves all people, and that includes the LGBTQ community. You don’t have to change your sexual orientation or choose a life of celibacy to be ok with God. God loves you just as you are in this moment.
I have spoken publicly about celibacy to share with a specific demographic my story of faith and sexuality. It’s never been intended to shame anyone or change anyone’s mind. We live in a multicultural world filled with different perspectives and values. I respect your dignity and autonomy, and I would hope you would respect mine even if you disagree. The beauty of our diversity is our ability to challenge each other so we can grow.
I realize my position may trigger negative emotions and painful memories with insensitive and homophobic Christians and traumatic experiences with the church. I can simply say I don’t condemn anyone. You don’t have to be celibate, or even believe in God for me to love you. You are loved unconditionally.
I confess that I could be wrong about my position. I have doubts and uncertainty. I’m ever seeking to learn and interact with other Gay Christians and local LGBTQs. I might not always be celibate. Who knows. I’m simply doing my best to reconcile my faith and sexuality according to my conscience. Others will choose different paths, and I extend no judgment to them. I’m just trying to make it through life like any other human by God’s grace.
Much love to you and your readers,
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I’m still journeying through the wilderness. I don’t black and white answers. Maybe celibacy isn’t the answer for me, or maybe the future will strengthen my previous convictions. Despite my doubts, I am committed to deepening my relationship with Christ and following where he leads. If I’m learned anything, it’s that the world hates uncertainty. It pressures and intimidates, when we just need room to think and reframe and breathe. No one can interact with God’s Word and the world and remain unchanged. A dance occurs between scripture and the stories we tell. Each reveals something marvelous about the other. The more we learn from both, the more questions we may discover than comfortable answers–at least I have. I question whether I’ll ever find certainty again–maybe it’s just an idol holding me back from trusting God. To my surprise, I’m finding peace sitting with this tension. “Walk by faith, not by sight.”
So what I want to extend to Queerty, to every sexual and gender minority, every Christian, whether conservative or liberal, is grace. The wilderness may seem barren and lonely, but there’s grace here. God is here. And I’m learning to extend grace to myself. Grace to question, grace to learn, grace to grow.
Grace to live life.